In Front of You

In front of you mentally I wear my straitjacket
It keeps my mind from defecating upon your pristine heart
It keeps me from wanting to claw at your imperfect soul, the same way mine is designed

You will say, "I never wanted you to think I'm perfect,"
You will even say, "I never ever said I was,"

What can I say to that?

Still

You are the one I once
saw as my Jesus light bulb
It illuminated my tarnished shadow

In front of you
I prefer my synthetic mask than any blushes of bronze or kohl of sorts
It keeps me from yielding to the hold you have on me
I wear it as handcuffs on my heart

My mask keeps me from letting you know that my emotions
are parallel to the angle
you let the pendulum swing or sink

I will smile, when I smile I will laugh when I do
And I will smile even as you make me wince in all the expressions I am too proud
too shameful to have you uncover

In front of you I sit on a chair with two wheels or walk on crutches
This, you will never know how I am down on my knees
bound, broken, defeated
and crippled
by you, no less

In front of you,
I believe I do not exist
I am not here and I will never have to hear the gravitational consequences
of the things you will never regret

In front of you,
I believe I have no feelings, and you will not have the power to hurt me
Yet your words will forever spin in my mind, a boomerang with no entrance or exit plan
No escape holes except the ones that drill bigger and bigger
till it rupture the valves in me

I hear them loud and clear
like an anthem you brand upon my skin as a reminder
of what you felt made you happy then
makes me what to kill myself now

Until then I live in my head to dream of
a person who's free of straitjackets, disguises, wheelchairs and actual existance

Existing with you
and I will let you love me
and I will let myself
believe it